after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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