when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
