Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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