Betty ford says i'm here all night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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