the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
