fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
