If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
