Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
