You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
