This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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