we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
