dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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