I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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