i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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