We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize