So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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