I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
