There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
