Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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