you didnt know i had herpes?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
