I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
