if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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