If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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