She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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