It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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