i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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