Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
