i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
