I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
