Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
