So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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