DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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