I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
