The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
