Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
