Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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