They should really pass out barf bags in church
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
