I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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