If that was your dad, he is hot
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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