I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Houston, we have a squirter
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
