I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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