i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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