and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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