im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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