after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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