My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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