No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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