I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
