went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
