Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
