Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize