That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't deserve a penis
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
