On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
