Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
