Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
