We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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