I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
