Operation Purity has been aborted
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
